Is it bad that I feel like I'm failing in so many areas? Is it bad when I find myself constantly apologizing for things that are absolutely out of my control? Is it bad that sometimes I feel like I just want to be alone for a little while, just to have some "me" time? Am I a good wife? Am I a good mother? These are the things I find I ask myself ALL the time lately.
The biggest fear in my life is failing as a mother and as a wife. I am constantly praying that God can help me be the best mother I can be for Cash, and the greatest wife to Dusty. My family is everything to me and I just hope I'm doing everything right. What if I'm not being a good example for Cash? Do I pray for him enough? Is he watching too much TV? Do I feed him too much? Was that nap too long? Is it bad that I let him skip his bath last night? Should I have stayed home instead of spending time with the girls? Do I show Dusty enough affection? Do I tell him I appreciate him enough? Do I pray for Dusty enough? What if it's not enough???! What if, what if, WHAT IF?!? So I'm sure everyone reading this is now convinced I'm a crazy woman who needs some serious counseling! I truly am a very happy girl I just have a million things running through my head right now. That's normal for a mom right?
That should be enough of the questions for today... **sigh** Okay I feel better now! Thank you for listening and letting me vent. Now on to some non-depressing things. Cash is now 21 pounds and still changing everyday. What a joy this child is! He is now saying "da da" at times, and sometimes he says "gat gat gat" which almost sounds like "cat." All of those words are exciting, but he has stopped saying "ma ma" which makes me frown a little. No big deal though I know there are a lot of words coming soon, and mamma will be one that I'm sure I will hear very often. He's finally enjoying his tummy a little more these days. He rolls all over the place, but still no crawling. I have mixed emotions about crawling anyway. I'm not a big fan of crawling around our hard tile floors through out the house and getting dog/cat hair all over him. I could sweep and mop everyday and still not take care of all the hair. YUCK! Who is tired of animals?? Yes, that would be me! Cash has also started temper tantrums a little early. I was told that tantrums started around 2 years of age...you know the "terrible two's." How come no one told me that wasn't true?! If Cash doesn't get what he wants he bows his back, kicks, screams and slaps his legs with his hands! I can't help but laugh, and I know that is really bad, but it's kinda cute at the same time. I think his tantrums are because of his sweet Gram that gives him anything he wants! Guess that's her God given right as a grandmother and that is just fine for now. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the way I spoil him.....wait, did I just admit I spoil him too?? Ooops! In the future I will just take Cash to my moms so she can take care of the tantrums herself! (hee hee ;)
Cash is now holding his own bottle! Makes out life a little easier in the mornings. He wakes up, we change his diaper, sit him on our bed and give him the bottle! He usually just grabs it out of our hands and starts drinking. After his bottle is finished he entertains himself with his toys and watches "Blues Clues." That has helped us a lot while we are trying to get dressed for work. We are really ready for some summertime weather! I cannot wait to get out of the house with Cash and do some more productive things! Hopefully, good weather and great activities will be the highlight in my next blog. Let's just hope that's very soon!